summer blues

Whilst summer is supposed to be all fun and lovely, full of pink gin & tonic cans, my summer seems to be heading in the complete opposite direction.

My last summer spent entirely in the city was fabulous, full of new friends, hangovers, parties, events. So why isn’t this happening now? Since my summer started I have been quite unproductive. I found that I work in intervals ( a bit like cardio), moments of high intensity, stress and lots of work and then I become a couch potato rewatching all Netflix shows but in between there’s absolutely no summer fun.

Firstly I feel all my “party” friends are becoming tired (yay finally catching up with moi). At the same time, I found myself to say “no” more often than “yes”. Last year you could get me out of the house at midnight if there was something going on, now midnight is way past my bedtime. I realised that I don’t feel the need to go out. It’s all the same, same person get’s a bit too drunk and needs to be carried home, same people hook up, same people have an argument. I barely feel I’m missing out on anything if I am, to be honest.

Probably my lack of social encounters is to blame for me feeling low, but at the same time what’s the point of pushing things that are not enjoyable. I found it’s because the friendships I enjoy are the teen like bonds, where you do everything together rather than having a separate friend from wine, a separate one for the gym and a separate one for going out. But I don’t think those bonds exist in your 20’s.

Last week I asked you if it’s just me or is summer getting me depressed?

Apparently, it’s everyone, which should make me feel better but I kinda feel sorry for all of us. It’s absolutely painful to feel so hopeless especially because it’s the most beautiful season of all, we should be out and enjoying it. But I can’t. Nothing seems fun or worthy of leaving my sofa. At the same time work-wise it’s been a bit quiet (fun freelance life right?) so I’ve been applying to jobs, every single time getting a reply “sorry we went with someone else’. How can you not get depressed? That’s a fabulous life.

I really want to be productive but there’s not much I can do? I’m unemployed, quite broke (yup, I can’t splurge this summer on the g&t cans), so I am burrowing myself in my lady cave con Netflix & a few good books, occasionally sending out CV’s in hope of receiving a positive reply.

In effect of being unproductive, I found myself overthinking and exploring weird thoughts about my future, career, past, basically every fucking thing. More or less, another existential crisis caused out of boredom. I gave up on the idea that I’ll ever find a job or be able to afford to buy my own house, my hope for future kind of completely collapsed with the approaching mid-summer. I reached a point in my thoughts where I honestly thought that what I truly want is to move back with my parents and just become a full-time couch potato. Being vegan I wouldn’t cost my parents much right haha?

Quite low of me, I know.

What annoys me the most is that we are absolutely privileged yet our complicated minds still find a way to bring out the worst from our lives and thoughts.

We have the comfort of easy lives, more than basic need fulfilled and we still complain. I wish I could know what is the source of those negative thoughts.

To end this on a positive note, I manage to find my escape in yoga and books (especially biographical ones, stories of lives always give me hope for my own development). Especially yoga places me in a peaceful high. I can walk around for a day like a veggie after just an hour of sun salutations, and sometimes not even the rudest email can ruin this state. I urge all of you summertime sadness people to find your escape whatever form they are in (I also enjoy jigsaw puzzles, the ones with 1000 pieces so ya know).

wearing

sunnies- depop @berrymalinowska || scarf - asos || top* - FanClubClothing || jacket - vintage || belt - vintage || flares - miracle eye 

photos by Kuba