I’m 20 and Unstable









Many of you might find what I have to say a bit unusual but I hate my birthdays.

Everyone I know usually gets excited a week before their birthday and no matter which birthday it is they often celebrate it and use all the attention they can get. I mean seriously, I understand this. I have nothing against birthdays it’s that I just hate celebrating mine.

Since I was probably a toddler I was extremely ambitious, I didn’t set myself goals but I always wanted to achieve big things at a young age. Partially to make my parents proud but partially because I grew up in the Disney Channel teen stars’ phase. I mean who didn’t dream of becoming a Disney Channel star at one point, but that’s not what it was about. I saw these kids, my age achieving so much and it always pushed me to work harder, I always wanted to do something different than usual.

What I didn’t realise back then was how ambition can lead to constant depression, lack of confidence, over working yourself and just feeling you’re never good enough.

So each time my birthday comes along it reminds me of how many things I was supposed to get done this year, how many things I was supposed to achieve and how many things I failed at (failing is actually good for you, it’s painful but teaches you so many valuable things).

People always tell me, I’m ahead anyways, which is somehow true. I just turned 20, I’m close to finishing my degree, I do my freelance styling and creative direction, even managed to get published and I actually have a quite big following. But if you’re just like me, you’ll know it’s never enough.

When I was fifteen I imagined being twenty as being an adult, having everything sorted out in your life, having a job???? Like what??? I still feel mentally sixteen and I don’t think this is about to change anytime soon. And the older I get the less I feel I have sorted out.

Before starting university, I knew what I wanted to do after, but at this point I kind of want to do everything and nothing.

Along the way I lost this guidance that directed me towards a specific goal and opened up to new ideas. So I’m graduating in a couple of months, which is absolutely terrifying, I will actually need to find a real life job (still not sure how anyone would want to employ me) so my twentieth birthday and last year of university are deeply affecting my instability at this point.

So when I saw this t-shirt at first I thought it’s a bit wrong to buy something that would I guess promote mental health issues (sometimes I think too much). But actually, it’s just purely funny. There’s nothing wrong in not knowing what to do with your life especially at twenty. I’m still a baby somewhere deep inside and I’m proud to say I don’t have much figured out, so why not display it on my chest.

Changing the topic, I have also decided to add something different to my posts.

I have always felt they have been a bit plain and empty. I was never really satisfied with what I published to be honest. I think I mentioned it in one of my previous posts that I tend to look up to other bloggers for inspiration but it just never works for me. I keep on forgetting that I need to do everything my way or I will never be happy with the content I create. My newest addition to the posts are the the weird patterns and just squiggles on the images, I have been doing them for quite a long time in my notebooks or other personal projects. I realise they’re a bit weird, but at the same time it’s really me and it makes my work more personal. But let me know if it’s absolutely terrible!


Baker Boy Hat – Village Hats || Hoops – Apart || T-shirt – Depop || Jacket – Vintage via Depop || Skirt – Prettylittlething || Boots – Asos


  1. Ala Papaj
    October 26, 2017 / 5:39 pm

    Dokladnie to samo czuje, szczegolnie w przypadkach. 1 – skutki ambicji, o ktorych nikt nie mowi, ludzie zawsze definiuja ambicje jako cos pozytywnego, ale nadmiar ambicji jest niesamowicie niszczacy dla psychiki, mysle, ze czesciej powinno sie o tym mowic. 2 – bycie ’20 and ahead’ – przez to, ze ludzie tak mowia, czuje sie jeszcze bardziej zobowiazana do robienia wiecej i wiecej i wiecej, a jesli tego nie robie, jestem zla sama na siebie.
    Outfit jak zwykle 10/10, ale osobiscie jestem przeciwko wzorkom na zdjeciach – wygladaja fajnie i cale zdjecie jest graficznie atrakcyjne, ale nie pozwalaja mi sie skupic na samym outficie.
    Mam nadzieje, ze niedlugo jakies reunion w LDN

  2. Ania
    October 16, 2017 / 10:23 pm

    Czuję sie jakbym czytała o sobie, serio 🙁 Różnica jest jedynie taka, ze jestem dwa lata młodsza i jestem w trzeciej liceum. Dokładnie tak samo miałam w dzieciństwie, a teraz czuję ogromną presję, bo koniec szkoły coraz bliżej… Planuje wziąć sobie gap year, ale ile osób pytam o ich zdanie na ten temat, tyle jest opinii. Co uwazasz o gao year? Warto czy nie? Dodam, ze ja chciałabym pójść w kierunku muzycznym, zawsze marzylam o pisaniu muzyki i śpiewaniu.

  3. Marta
    October 16, 2017 / 10:03 pm

    Inspirująca ❣️

  4. Charlotte
    October 16, 2017 / 9:18 pm

    For the first time ever someone put to the words what I was thinking and couldn’t figure out how to say it. The disney channel thing is soo soo so true and real. At least for me. I can not stress enough how many times I thought I will do similar stuff, like Miley for ex. Singing is all i ever want to do but I also go to UNI. European studies (a mix of law politics business). I don’t have the courage to go all in into music. I ll be 20 in 3 months and it scares me.

  5. D
    October 16, 2017 / 9:00 pm

    Chciałam Ci tylko powiedzieć Berry, że przez Ciebie powoli przełamuje się i przestaje się bać ubierać, robić i mówić co chcę. Miałam duży problem z pewnością siebie, ale dzięki Tobie czuję się lepiej we własnej skórze.
    Dziękuję Ci za to bardzo,
    Twoja imienniczka ❤

  6. Natalia
    October 16, 2017 / 8:53 pm

    Hi Berry! I like this post. I feel it’s so genuine and really from the bottom of your heart. I’m 17 an in a half of year i will be turning 18… its scare for me, to be honest. My family asked me what I was going to do in my life, what studies, what city…. I really don’t know how to reply them. I’m your fan from Poland and now I’m just practicing my English don’t know why, simply. I would like to find a way to solve all of my problems related to my future

  7. Agata
    October 16, 2017 / 7:46 pm

    Kocham twoj styl!Kazdy kolejny post i outfit to zupelnie cos nowego, widac ze sie mega rozwijasz❤️❤️❤️

  8. Julia
    October 16, 2017 / 7:22 pm

    Also ’97 here! Went to uni last year but i didn’t make the right choice, so I quit. I used to be so ambitious and top of the class, but in high school I kind of gave up. I feel like I’m so shallow or lost, I would love to work in fashion but the industry isn’t for me. So I went to law (this sounds so weird, idk, balancing between fashion and law, it’s making the latter seem like a safe choice) you’ll graduate soon and I’ll be 24 when I do, I feel so behind, as I still mentally feel 16… I like my course, didn’t expect to be so interested in law, but even though i’m ok with uni I still suffer from depression, heh. When I was a kid I expected more of myself by the time I reach adulthood, so my life is still meeh. I wish I was at least sure what I want to do after… or in a stable relationship, that sucks too when you’re already 20

  9. Marta
    October 16, 2017 / 6:13 pm

    I love this photos and outfit

  10. October 15, 2017 / 8:32 pm

    Boże jak ja kocham przeróbki tych zdjęć ♥

  11. SYLWIA
    October 15, 2017 / 6:34 pm

  12. Ania
    October 15, 2017 / 6:25 pm

    I loved the outfit❤️. And don’t worry everything will eventually sort itself out.

  13. Zuzia
    October 15, 2017 / 6:22 pm

    Well I understand you. I’m also kind of person who is never 100% satisfied of things I’ve done. I always see better people and something wrong in my work even if I try to do best I can. Anyway you shouldn’t be person like this because you inspire me (and a lot of other people too) in every single meaning of this word. You are yourself and you do things you want to do. Your job even got published so trust me you achieved a lot. I understand that you want more but you still have plenty of time so don’t be sad because you will get everything, I’m sure.

  14. Natalia
    October 15, 2017 / 5:11 pm

    Ja mam 18, skonczę szkołe srednią w wieku 20 lat(technikum) obecnie nie mam pojęcia co chce robić w przyszłości i pewnie szybko to się nie zmieni

  15. Julia
    October 15, 2017 / 5:04 pm

    So good to hear

  16. Jess
    October 15, 2017 / 4:08 pm

    Hi Berry!
    I’ve been living in England 6 years now, and I’m also on a UAL course (Camberwell, 2nd year fine art). I’m the same age as you and would also describe myself as ambitious. I don’t know if this helps, but I look up to you. I find you an inspiration to my ambition and creativity. Not to mention style! :)Btw there is a guy on your course (I think?) that I went to high school with and I just find it so bizarre because you’re sort of like a celebrity to me hahaha!

    Love, Jess xx

  17. Paulina
    October 15, 2017 / 3:53 pm


  18. Dominika
    October 15, 2017 / 2:37 pm

    there is really nothing wrong in not knowing what you want to do in life! You’re young and I know that sometimes it’s very hard, but try to make every moment of your life just special. and don’t think too much about your future. Focus on being happy.
    By the way, you shouldn’t think that you haven’t achieved enough, because most people in your age haven’t achieved even half of your successes, and those “disney channel stars” are exceptions and we shouldn’t look at them.
    You’re amazing person, keep doing what you’re doing and don’t think too much.
    Sorry for my english, haha
    ps. these patterns on photos are super cool

  19. Paulin
    October 15, 2017 / 2:18 pm

    You are amazing ❤❤

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