Many of you might find what I have to say a bit unusual but I hate my birthdays.
Everyone I know usually gets excited a week before their birthday and no matter which birthday it is they often celebrate it and use all the attention they can get. I mean seriously, I understand this. I have nothing against birthdays it’s that I just hate celebrating mine.
Since I was probably a toddler I was extremely ambitious, I didn’t set myself goals but I always wanted to achieve big things at a young age. Partially to make my parents proud but partially because I grew up in the Disney Channel teen stars’ phase. I mean who didn’t dream of becoming a Disney Channel star at one point, but that’s not what it was about. I saw these kids, my age achieving so much and it always pushed me to work harder, I always wanted to do something different than usual.
What I didn’t realise back then was how ambition can lead to constant depression, lack of confidence, over working yourself and just feeling you’re never good enough.
So each time my birthday comes along it reminds me of how many things I was supposed to get done this year, how many things I was supposed to achieve and how many things I failed at (failing is actually good for you, it’s painful but teaches you so many valuable things).
People always tell me, I’m ahead anyways, which is somehow true. I just turned 20, I’m close to finishing my degree, I do my freelance styling and creative direction, even managed to get published and I actually have a quite big following. But if you’re just like me, you’ll know it’s never enough.
When I was fifteen I imagined being twenty as being an adult, having everything sorted out in your life, having a job???? Like what??? I still feel mentally sixteen and I don’t think this is about to change anytime soon. And the older I get the less I feel I have sorted out.
Before starting university, I knew what I wanted to do after, but at this point I kind of want to do everything and nothing.
Along the way I lost this guidance that directed me towards a specific goal and opened up to new ideas. So I’m graduating in a couple of months, which is absolutely terrifying, I will actually need to find a real life job (still not sure how anyone would want to employ me) so my twentieth birthday and last year of university are deeply affecting my instability at this point.
So when I saw this t-shirt at first I thought it’s a bit wrong to buy something that would I guess promote mental health issues (sometimes I think too much). But actually, it’s just purely funny. There’s nothing wrong in not knowing what to do with your life especially at twenty. I’m still a baby somewhere deep inside and I’m proud to say I don’t have much figured out, so why not display it on my chest.
Changing the topic, I have also decided to add something different to my posts.
I have always felt they have been a bit plain and empty. I was never really satisfied with what I published to be honest. I think I mentioned it in one of my previous posts that I tend to look up to other bloggers for inspiration but it just never works for me. I keep on forgetting that I need to do everything my way or I will never be happy with the content I create. My newest addition to the posts are the the weird patterns and just squiggles on the images, I have been doing them for quite a long time in my notebooks or other personal projects. I realise they’re a bit weird, but at the same time it’s really me and it makes my work more personal. But let me know if it’s absolutely terrible!