I think going home brings out the worst in me. Most probably because I can no longer function without work or stress. Time off makes me nervous and anxious. Basically don’t even try talking with me. I’ll bite.
For the past two or three years I haven’t felt this way about going home, but suddenly I realised I kind of don’t have that much to come back to. Of course, I have my family (working parents so only after 5 PM) and my pets but that’s it. I tend to sit all day in the garden with my dogs and read a book but after an hour it just seems weirdly uncomfortable to be able to do nothing. I blame it on myself because I’m naturally a workaholic (a bored one as well) therefore time off is one of my biggest nightmares. It just seems too scary for me too stop as in my head a week off will delay the success in my career. Seems ridiculous, I know!
Going home always reminds me of a very cliché song called „Summertime Sadness” that you all know. When this song came out, I was a confused teenager that thought being sad was cool (if you didn’t go through that phase, bless you). Despite my forced „sadness” I never could really understand the title at that age. I couldn’t understand how could you be sad during the summer which is like the best fucking part of the whole year. I also didn’t realise things would change quite a bit in my life and though summer is my favourite season of all, it’s the most depressing one as well.
For me, summers are extremely lonely lately.
Most of my friends are gone, work is kinda dead and I end up just working in my lady cave 24/7. Since that was the case of summer 18’ I thought that flying home for a week would be good for me. I made an adult decision to take time off all of my projects and postpone them by 7 days (felt like two months by the way). The idea was just to chill out in the garden, with a book, sun and all of my pets. While this was fun for about 4 hours it lead me to almost insanity. I naturally opened my laptop out of irritation but somehow the setting of home just didn’t allow me to be even slightly productive. I think at day 3 I was close to crying.
On the side note, I think what made me even moodier was the fact that I felt so out of place in my own country. It’s the first time I have visited home since 9 months???? The roads are different, my currency seems foreign, everyone is a stranger and I don’t even have a polish credit card or sim card. I’m basically a tourist in my own country. I didn’t realise that being away for so long would have such a big impact on me, but it did. When I think of home, I think of London and I think it might just stay this way for a long long time. I’m extremely embarrassed about this as I never wanted to become that person. But it happened so what more can I do.