I think we’ve already established that I hate celebrating stuff, this includes but is not limited to: birthdays, holidays, New Years’ Eve, Christmas, passing exams and Halloween.
ps. that’s me tipsy on white wine having the most fun I had this year
Yesterday when I was woken up by fireworks (because yes I was already asleep by 11PM) I realised that it’s not the idea of commercialising holidays that I hate the most, but the idea that such events mark the passing of time.
that’s me eating because that’s my favourite thing to do
It might be a foreign concept for many of you, but „time” is something that I find scary. The idea of „future” gives me anxiety.
I’m one of these people that knew exactly what they wanted to do with their lives until they are 18 and then everything starts crushing down. The more days I pass on this planet the more confused I am about what I want for myself and who I am.
me and my bestie plunging in the sea whilst trying to look sassy
I always knew fashion was my thing but the longer I have contact with the industry the more I hate it.
Just thinking about the fact that in a couple of months I will need to find a 9 to 5 job, probably working for a company I’m not passionate about, not having time to do what I love and just going through awkward social „encounters” at work, makes me absolutely sick.
Not sure what I imagined when I go into fashion but I legitimately though I could just work for myself, be able to afford rent and be happy. Unfortunately, fashion industry is full of just shitty people, and I’m not sure if I can mentally handle them with eat, pray, love attitude.
me during one of uni project shoots, we were really digging the evian bottle aesthetic avec my pink puffer coat.
This year I worked with some amazing people but also with some that got me into a raging state. It just made me want to stop all I’m doing and look for a new thing that doesn’t involve actually working with anyone.
I believe it’s the exhaustion from university, unsuccessful projects and all these declined statistics on my social media, but since beginning of December I feel hopeless and confused about my future. It’s just this point where I’m not sure I see myself doing anything apart from reading books in bed with my cat. I see no point of finishing my degree (but I will finish it because I already wasted more than two years on it…), I don’t feel passionate about any of my university projects anymore and I just don’t know.
Don’t get me wrong, I love working and being busy but I don’t think I’m ready to sacrifice my mental health and energy to do something I’m not 100% happy with.
as a true Pole I felt obliged to take a photo of my slavic squat in Singapore
Therefore, I entered the new year even more confused than before, and I thought people said that the older you get the more you have figured out? I guess it’s just not working for me.
The whole point of me actually writing this is the fact that so many people actually think that I have my whole life figured out, mostly because „oh she’s finishing a bachelor’s degree, and she looks happy and stuff.”. Well no. Of course I am happy but I could be happier, and not knowing what I want or like is what’s stopping me.
the day one of my dreams came true aka I saw Kiss live (and it was a part of a collaboration so yass)! The next evening we went to a Mac DeMarco concert and I touched his booty while he was crowdsurfing.
However there are a couple of things that I’m certain about this year.
I want to be 100% vegan. Seems like an easy thing but to be honest I found it’s a long process and making mistakes is so easy. I feel when I decided to get on to this vegan journey I didn’t realise that brands I worked with long-term were not cruelty free, or the products were leather. And trust me it was extremely hard to go through with all my contracts knowing that „fuck, it’s wrong, I don’t want to promote this but now I’m stuck for a couple more months.”
I’m proud of myself for cutting out those brands and projects as fast as I could, though there’s still some work to be done about this.
my first full moon party in Thailand! We were accompanied by my dad because it’s not like we’re adults and can take care of ourselves. Super awkward, that’s all I’ll say.
Fully committing to this means that I loose out on what seems like a lot of exciting projects, stable income and opportunities.
But in the end being entirely honest with you, what’s more important to me is the peace of mind that I get from not „knowingly” contributing to what opposes my beliefs, rather than the idea of money and good statistics.
Fingers crossed that 2018 will be the year that I’ll discover my true goal in life and figure out all that confusing stuff, because seriously haha it’s exhausting to not know what you’re working towards!